Professional Help (Part One)

(NOTE: This is not intended to be a piece for mockery or ridicule, and is meant to be taken in completely good humour.)

I've always pitied people who write to agony 'aunts' or counsellors and expect to receive a fitting reply judging by the two-bit scrap of information exchanged.

Hence, I have composed a collection of ideal replies to typical 'problems' by the ideal agony relatives and, in today's times, their virtual counterparts.

EXHIBIT A

Dear pH (short for 'professional Help', hereby increasing its scientific and humorous value),

I have to sit in class next to a boy who smells of flies. I wonder whether he has a bath. What should I do, other than clip my nose?

                                                                                                           -- Ann Oyed

Dear Ann (name always shortened to devalue pricelessness and distinguished markedly by different font),

Write him a note. Or write in his birthday card: 'Your annual Bath Day! Love, Ann' That will wake him up. Or give him a deodorant or soap for the very occasion. He will come to you on all fours and beg for forgiveness. What more do you want?

        Alternatively, ask the teacher to change your seats.

EXHIBIT B

Dear pH,

I think I'm commitment phobic. I can't commit to long-term relationships, and shy away. Even at work, I notice I cannot stick to my guns for a particular project. Am I messing up my life?

                                                                                               -- Nocome Itment

Dear Nocome,

'Nocome' is a lovely, inviting name. All attracted to this name will invariably be turned away by your behaviour.

        Keep a pet fly, or hamster. See whether you can nurture it for three days. When it dies (I'm guessing) in that time, check whether you feel bad.

        Discuss penalties with your boss. If you fail to do your project, he whips you twice. This can be effective unless you enjoy being whipped.

        Prepare yourself to die all alone, my dear.

EXHIBIT C

Dear pH,

I'm in drama class. My problem is, the professor never selects me to lead in any play, in spite of my obvious talent. Whenever I ask him, he says I'd be better suited to so-and-so side role. How do I handle him?

                                                                                         -- Lost in Translation

Dear Lost,

Your teacher must be having very good reasons for not taking you in.

        Look at yourself and evaluate. Perhaps there is something you are missing? Ask your teacher what he thinks is not fine-tuned and how you can develop it.

        As for how to handle him, mix egg yolk and cinnamon in a less-than-equal amount of water and blend nicely. Add a few spoons of vinegar, and tomato ketchup for colour. Spread it generously all over his chair just before he comes in.

         Then, Lost, all you have to do is sit yourself down in that chair.

EXHIBIT D

Dear pH,

I am older -- well, well older -- than infantile. But I somehow can't stop myself from watching Tom and Jerry and The Simpsons. You may say they are fine and everybody does that, but Spongebob Squarepants? How do you explain that?

                                                                                                  -- Cartoon Addict

Dear Cartoon,

You're right. I can't explain that. Some would say it's better than watching Bones or Transformers, and they would be right. However:

        Step One, clear out all your Spongebob memorabilia, even your boxer shorts and armbands.  (I understand it is painful, but there is no other way to do this.) Step Two, cry a little. Step Three, pat yourself on the back in the most humane way possible. Step Four, start watching some real football.

        You can't go wrong with these.

        

EXHIBIT E

Dear pH,

My boyfriend and I are really close. But we keep arguing over one matter -- how he doesn't come shopping with me, at least enthusiastically. And I know clothing is one of man's basic needs. So why doesn't he? We start arguing in public and he brings up all these old fights -- how I don't let him watch football and play snooker as often as he'd like. What do I do?

                                                                                      -- Not a Dumb Blonde

Dear Dumb Blonde,

You should be happy he comes with you at least. Clothing is basic, but running after pricey hoops and belts and eyeliner and purses and whatnot with hysterical shrieking overshadows the sensibilities of even Stone Age man with his leaf clothing.

        So buy your boyfriend a cue on his birthday and watch him accompany you on three -- yes, three -- separate shopping trips.

        And oh, please leave the TV on.




(Read Part Two.)