Professional Help (Part Two)

(Confused? This will help.)

EXHIBIT F

Dear pH,

It is very simple: I am a glutton. I simply cannot stop eating. Mainly it is junk food, as you may have suspected. I fear this may be damaging my health. I'm confused. What do I do?

                                                                                                         -- Kahn Stopp

Dear Kahn,

I should put a JOB DISCLAIMER in large friendly letters at the top explaining that I'm not a dietician or therapist (really, I'm not).

        So, to avoid thrombosis, put labels on food around the house. 'I'M EVIL', 'DON"T EAT ME', and 'MONSTER INSIDE' are good examples. What about food outside the house, you ask? Lock yourself in the house for three days. See how you fare.

        On the fourth day, get out. Eat. You live only once, and are meant to die from heinous diseases.

EXHIBIT G

Dear pH,
I want to be a millionaire. I intend to do this by starting my own business after being completely self-sufficient. Then I will set up multinationals and achieve my goals by the time I'm 35.
        I'm currently twenty-three, and unable to find a job. What's wrong with my CV? Help!
                                                                                                      -- Redone Dent


Dear Redundant,
Brad Pitt wanted to be an actor, but here he is.
        Tear part your CV and make an honest one -- one that does not include 'eats 12  McDonald's burgers in seven minutes'.
        Hang out with employed friends and listen to their woes. Make yourself happy with this since it is unlikely you're going to get a job in the near future.
        Work your way up s-l-o-w-l-y. Not everyone is blessed with the inversely proportional luck and IQ of Bill Gates.
        Lastly, give me a call when you get your multinationals going. I will work as a window washer at one of your offices, and will expect reasonable -- if not considerable -- pay.


EXHIBIT H

Dear pH,

I want to be a rock star! But my parents want me to do something more 'productive'. I love playing Guitar Hero and I know I'm meant for this. I love writing songs as well. It's a perfect setup. How do I convince them?

                                                                                                               -- Skye High

Dear Skye,

What are you, eight?

        So, to humour you: Get a real guitar. Do you even know what Guitar Hero is? (I wouldn't know; I've never played. But something unpleasant, surely.) Learn how to play an actual guitar and don't whine when your fingers bleed. Don't stamp your feet for an A-class guitar either. Buy a basic one.

        Then, if your ambition still stays, write to me again.

EXHIBIT I

Dear pH,
I love your column! How do you do it?
                                                                                                            -- Egg Sighted


Dear Egg,
This, my darling, is precisely how NOT.


EXHIBIT J

Dear pH,
They call me a sloth. Now I don't believe I am that lazy. I do get a little laidback sometimes, I admit. Work stays a little pending, but I always finish it. Then what exactly is wrong with me? I even help friends with their work!
                                                                                                               -- Not a Sloth

Dear Not,
Sloths are not only lazy and perennially sleeping, they are also inept. Baby sloths sometimes clutch their own limbs instead of branches and promptly fall down. (It does make you feel sorry for them, but there's nothing you can do.)
        How pending does 'work' stay? Delegate strict timetables for work. Never put off, especially if you're 'in the mood' right now.
        When did you intend to send this? Two months ago?