A Series of Failed Occupations: Careers That Never Took Off (Part Two)

PART TWO: Artist

This is the creative doodler of the class, always looking for pencil stubs for reasons other than poking into others' eyes.

Expectations

Our subject expects this to be a strictly part-time 'job'. After all, painters work when in the mood. But the money earned in that little moody spell is aptly illustrated thus:

This is the famed Irregular Pentagon of Success.

For point A, there are way too many working hours required, so it is eliminated.
For point B, approximately half the working hours of (A) yield at least 5/6ths the money earned.
Point C is also good, but nobody cares about a downward spiral when there are points between B and C and between C and A to be covered.

Realistic Expectations

There are many art galleries around that offer solo exhibitions (at a price, of course). But producing many paintings for the task is excruciating pain. So a group exhibition it is... with one painting.

But hey. that's the aim for next year. Why 'paintings' anyway? Why don't people make masterpieces of crayon? Is it because it won't work on the canvas? (Hmmm, I seem to have given myself an idea.) Dullards.

Motivation

Here, the millions of ₤₤₤ and $$$ and €€€ get them going. Something like

means nothing at all. The bright Sun doesn't mean dispenser of energy, or dawn of a change. Nor does the blue swirl mean 'transfer of energy'. Artists like being asked, and askers get happy.

That's the idea. To help humanity.

What does it

The 'good mood' associated with paintings rarely comes into the picture. When it does, our charge produces something like this and speaks gibberish.

Finally, tired, he puts down the palette and chases another dream.

Dream crash-landed in...

Four years at most.

Last Resort

Paint pictures for family and distant relatives and pass around, hoping one of them is a big-shot in the market.


Verdict: Splattering is the most fun.


(Read Part One: Astronaut
Read Part Three: Archaeologist)

A Series of Failed Occupations: Careers That Never Took Off

PROLOGUE

What am I talking about? I'm talking about exciting careers most of us (if not all) wanted to take up at some young point in our lives, only to either a) end up in an altogether different profession, or b) find out the hype was unnecessary, as in, discover that marine exploring was not so much diving for treasure as observing rare varieties of rock.

Here I'll try to encapsulate a few lofty plans I've had in mind.

PART ONE: Astronaut

Astronaut dreams usually have a short shelf life, but it could be extended substantially in the event of feigned ignorance.

Expectations

When five-year-olds think of being spacemen, they imagine this:

Fifteen-year-olds are slightly different in that respect:

Realistic Expectations

Well, what is one supposed to do aboard the spacecraft?

float... check

eat... check

wear marvellous spacesuit... check

Motivation

The idea of outer space is both fascinating and frightening. Lots of progress has been made in the field, although it's still something jaw-dropping and exotic. There are always risks involved, and often, thoughts like these sometimes seep through:

'I frequently become sea sick; how can I handle the space sick?'

'Will I be able to do whatever it is that astronauts do in spaceships while floating around like a fat balloon?'

However, these questions fire a sense of determination which is shortly followed by the 'Oh, I'll be so rich' line.

What does it

By this time, our subject has realised that if he wants to really harbour these dreams, there's no point working anywhere other than NASA... which needs US citizenship. So if he doesn't really fancy living in the States...

Oops.

... and 20/20 vision.

Oops.

... and a minimum height of 5 feet 4 inches.

&*^#!@*!!

Dream crash-landed in...

Usually the dream's duration is between 3-12 years.

Last Resort

Become rich and go for one of those 'civil astronaut' trips.


Verdict: Fun and enjoyable while it lasts.


(Read Part Two: Artist
Read Part Three: Archaeologist)

Daffynitions: My New 'Thing'

At one point a few years ago, I used to be madly in love with anagrams. You won't believe how much. Really, you won't. I had even downloaded an application or two that could 'anagram' any phrase, or words, however long, and give a nicely ordered sequence.

Anyway, my current obsession is 'daffynitions', and I have two-pages-full of them (so far).

Here are just a few of them (well illustrated, though pointlessly so):

1) An otherwise flightless teatime commodity:

 

Butterfly.

2) A pipe unbelievable beyond the regular:

Parachute.


3) A portion of a horned quadruped:

Rampart.


4) Meaty intelligence:

'Cleaver'ness.


5) Foul-smelling needle:

Sty.


I do have buckets more, but that's for when I'll be able to draw twenty of these... Sigh.

An Utterly Useless Post (of Sorts)

It's been nearly a week since India won the World Cup. Here's my way of commemorating it: making a list of the most popular interjections.

• Yahoo!
• Yippee!
• Hooray!
• Ha!
• Bingo!
• Whoa!
• Cheers!
• pwned! (Internet slang counts.)
• Yeah! (Well...)
• Bam!
• Bravo!
• Wow!
• Zap! (Yes, I can.)
• w00t!
• Aha!
• Ding-dong! (No, really.)
• Ta-da!

Indeed. They deserveth.