A Roundhouse Kick in the Mouth

Sportspeople are champions at shooting. Shooting unintelligible things out of their mouth, that is.

To commemorate the newly begun Cricket World Cup (sponsored by -- to the best of my knowledge -- TATA [for lighting], Airtel [for relaying scores over the phone to faraway relatives too lazy to switch on the telly], Sony [for that amazing HD experience], and Bisleri [for drinks breaks], as they've never failed to remind us), I've made a lovely list of the greatest comments ever made by cricketers...

Trophy for the funniest quote here?

Geoff Boycott: 'Corey Collymore and Adam Sanford wouldn't bowl my mum out.'

Mike Atherton: 'My back is my problem. It's not a cause for national concern.'

Dennis Lillee (on Geoffrey Boycott): 'He fell in love with himself at a very young age and has remained faithful ever since.'

Wasim Akram: '(Using) gel is more macho than a hairband.'

Daryl Cullinan, after Shane Warne told him he'd been waiting two years to 'humiliate' him: 'Looks like you spent it eating.'

Driving Licence application + India + Confusion = Well, Confusion.

Actually, it's not even a Licence application.

It's a Learner's Licence application.

We had to get ourselves down to the Regional Transport Office (Road Transactions, rather) in Andheri, which is an hour away from home.

Now here's what they normally do.

1) If you've enrolled with one, the driving school gives you a big chart which has common road signs and signals and vehicle laws and which number they come under. (E.g. U/S 126: No person driving or in charge of a motor vehicle shall cause or allow the vehicles [where did the second vehicle come from?] to remain stationary in any public place, unless there is in the driver's seat a person duly licensed to -- Oh, forget it. here's what it means: No driver can leave his car unattended in the middle of the street.)

 Snippet of the chart. With spelling mistakes. (Click and zoom if not clear.)

They give you this sheet a day before the test and say that the officials may 'ask you questions. Please read / learn well.'

2) You are made to stand in a line like

 (off thehindu.com)

Even that's not explanatory enough. Well, it is my fault. I forgot to click pictures of the thousand-odd people swarming around the different blocks of the Office.

Anyway, the point is, you have to wait for so much longer if you've come all by yourself. The driving institute guy stood in line for us, at least.

3) The inspector will not ask you a SINGLE question about how the sign telling you to turn right RIGHT NOW

is different from the sign to turn right AHEAD:

(wikimedia)

4)
You know what? This is boring. I'm not doing finishing this.

I think what's important is the fact that we got out of there in one piece, and that I can start learning from Monday.


(PS/ Disclaimer: Road safety is important and so are signs... For the common folk, that is; not everyone is as smart as I am.)

Seven Most Beautiful Skies (that I've Seen)

(And you must know I'm quite the sky observer.)


7) Pitch dark sky + incompetence of mobile camera = THIS.

6) The cloud patterns look complicatedly great.

[ZOOOOM]

5) This was taken in Mahabaleshwar, over the lake. I love it.

4) This was on the way to Bhandardara, a hill station. It had been raining continuously and this is how it looked.

3) The whizzy clouds perched atop a concrete landscape. Ah.

2) Pure. Simple. Unadulterated.

1) This takes the cake. If it weren't for the Diwali lights hanging down (the long rope) it would have been a perfect picture.

Birthday Presents

People have been asking me what I want for my birthday. I've told them I'll think it over and let them know. (Escaped for the time being, whew!) Here's what I really want, which no one would be able to afford (and  no, Facebook, I do not want to make a wish):

• A classy spaceship I can actually use all by myself. One that does not have buttons like 'Salvage Extermination by Exemplifying Rodents and sub-Primal Species', and instead replaces them with smarter and friendlier words like 'Get Back Thrown Stuff'.

• A device that notes down my thoughts as I am dictating to my mind an entire prose crafted by my imagination. (Well, yes.) Seriously, it's high time one of these got made.

• A Liverpool FC Season Ticket with free pre-booked flights to England.

• A ticket to the Formula One race to be held in India soon. (Actually, scratch that. it's much better to watch it on the telly, where you get to see everything, rather than being the live audience that gets to watch only one slice. And who knows, my ticket may be on the uneventful stand where there are no cameras to show me the progress of the race. And that is probably very likely.)

Here are my other wants -- subject to change depending on the need of the hour -- which are more priceless:

• Mubarak commits suicide.
• All other dictators do so too, because of which
• World peace (almost) is attained.

Lastly, I want a Wish Granter, that will help me achieve all this. If only.

Farewell, El Nino.

(NOTE: This may be hard to follow if you don't follow football. However, I guarantee you'll be able to follow the insults.)

So most seemingly loyal people end up being shuffling scamps. Case in point: Fernando Torres, who left Liverpool to join Chelsea. Lick my boots, dear sir.

(off Google)

These ones, to be precise.

After Matt Busby and the more offensive Michael Owen, this is what must be done to these traitors:

1) Subject them to Andy Gray's torturous tripe for five straight hours. No pie breaks.

2) Place a blanket ban on all shopping they (and their wives) must undertake.

3) This is for the players, and not their wives: No appointments to the manicurist, waxer, and hairstylist (this applies specially to Torres).

4) All fan following on blogs, Facebook, Twitter et al et al et al et al et al to be suspended.

5) Clever, insulting songs to be composed and sung by the team's fans at the next FIFTEEN matches after the player leaves. Of course, this is easy only if the team in question is Liverpool.

And to end it with a flourish, here's insult with class...

(stolen verse)

His armband proved he was a red, Suarez Suarez.
You'll never walk alone it said, Suarez Suarez!
He bought the band from a lad in Spain.
Tall and blonde, forgotten the name.
Luis Suarez -- Liverpool's Number 9.

Sacrilege!

So, my computer has been down for FIVE days.

Why?

One of the Windows files got corrupted. Curse you, virus!

Here's what I saw on my screen those horrible five days ago:

 

Well, 1) Why is the font SO very small when you have a full screen to fill? Yes, it makes the problem look tiny and easily repairable, but please, I have a high eye number anyway.

2) What on Earth is 0 x 0000000000000000000000000? If there is ZERO error, start up for me, Gates!

3) For heaven's sake, tone down that glaring blue.

(NOTE: If anyone tries to explain to me the technical bit, I shall rip their head right off, and place said severed head in front of a similar blue screen and watch it suffer spasms.)